Words Are Easy, Actions Are Difficult

Word are easy, actions are hard, over the past couple of years people have offered support and help to me. It's sad that when you actually need that help and support you don't always get it. I don't want to mention specifics, but it would be better if people didn't promise the earth, and then fail. You tend to think, when I need a small bit of support I can count on certain people, only to find that you can't. During this transistion you realise that it is a truely single journey and you need to be strong to progress.

All I can add is look at peoples "actions" and not the words they speak, this way you will not get hurt.

Gender Identity Clinic Night-Out

Last Wednesday I had a check-up at the GIC at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary with Dr My. Over the past few months there has been confusion with appointments, my August one wasn't booked properly, a replacemant one for September wasn't emailed or posted to me, and in October I had gotten confused with the time of 2.30pm as all the past ones had been 4.00pm. So I was looking forward to seeing Dr My on Wednesday, and wouldn't you just believe it, I was double booked!!!!!!! The joys of the NHS, or really just the GIC, as I have recieved wonderful service from all other areas so far. Dr My asked if I would mind seeing a shrink (Sarah) instead, as I'm a softy I said yes. Well I don't normally critise anyones appearance, but I couldn't take Sarah seriously, she was dressed for a night-out clubbing, little black dress, gold belt, gold srappy high heel sandles and super fine tights, all on a very cold Edinburgh day!!! In my view not a very professional turn-out. Also she couldn't ask anything medical, and basically just went through how I was doing since my last appointment. One good thing she did say was that I presented very well, a nice small boost!! I left feeling, well that was a waste time, I don't know if I have just built up a negative against the GIC or are they just not very caring and organised. My next appointment is the end of April, I will see how it goes and I may decised to be transferred to Glasgow, where I have heard some positive reports.

I Don't Like Mondays, Only Kidding!!!

This morning I was back at my GP for a blood pressure check-up and for her to see if I was feeling ok. Both went well, BP is getting quite good, almost normal even. And the last few days I have been feeling good as well. Over the weekend I got a few jobs done at home which had been bugging me, last week got paperwork out the way for a wee while so the niggling things have vanished!!!!! It was funny as I was waiting for my appointment today a wee boy about 5 decided I was the person to play with, and the waiting room was quite busy, I was thinking wow this is not the way to blend in quitely sitting in the corner!!! But on the whole no problems, so another confidence booster for me.

Wednesday sees me at the Gender Clinic, so that will be a challenge, as I don't really enjoy these appointments. Hopefully Moira my speech therapist will have put a good word in for me, as these sessions go really well. Even though they are finished until the end of Feb2010, when I will be discharged.

Christmas this year is going to be very tough money wise, the ongoing hair removal has really sapped the money this year. So I will have to be quite resourceful or very boring with presents, I'm going to think about it until Christmas week. Hopefully do my Christmas cards this week, I'm going to send ones to the staff at the NHS which have really helped and accepted me this year. It all sounds a bit woosy, but I think it's good to thank people, I sometimes think the USA has a better way with Thanksgiving Day, we have to roll it into Christmas.

Highlights......................In My Hair

Haven't written anything in ages, the mind has been abit confused and in super thinking mode. Everytime I thought about writing I felt it would come out all wrong so did nothing. Anyway head is sorted in more ways than one from today. I had an appointment at the hairdressers, Lorraine has been at me for over a year to get highlights and colour, so today was the day. The girls are all really nice, and where asking if I was frightened, cheeky, but I was quite cool until I saw the colours, bright yellow and blue!!!!!!!! It was confusing seeing it being put in, had enough tin foil to bake a turkey in my head, but it all worked out really nice. The end result is quite subtle, which is what I was looking for, but you can certainly see the lightness. Lorraine also gave me a trim, and I got tips on blow drying, I felt a million dollars leaving. But the weather here today was awfull and by the time I got home her hardwork was, well not as nice, but I managed to fix it back.

Last Monday it was my GP check-up, Dr M was super as usual, I had been taking my own blood pressure readings, and she changed my pills to include a betablocker each day. Start them tomorrow, and go back to see Dr M a week on Monday. At the appointment I brought up my fears that depression was creeping it's way back, she is concerned about this and talked about increasing anti-depressants, I declined this at the moment. Dr M seems to think I have been through so much in the last 2-3 years emotionally that I might just be a little bit burnt out at the moment. She also feels I set myself too high standards at time, and am too hard on myself, I can see where she is coming from. This Friday sees my last appointment at speach therapy, it will be sad to be finished, but it's now up to me to keep practising and get the pitch up a little more.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was my 41st birthday  !!!!!!!! It was a quiet celebration, I don't like birthdays, but I did enjoy last night. I went to see my parents, who where at my sisters. My mum and dad got me a nice cheeky card, and a blood pressure monitor, yes I know strange gift, but I wanted one. Once they went away my sister asked if I wanted to stay for a chinese meal, which I was up for, too many times I celebrate these things on my own. I had to fight back the tears as her card to me was addressed to Gayle and a lovely blouse, it was so nice after seeing cards from relations addressed to my old self. The outer circle of my family are so kind, but I don't think they quite get my transition, which to be honest is partly my own fault as well. Over our meal we had a great chat, it was so relaxed and open, and once again I felt abit emotional about somethings, I need to do some research on. Also I think it was relaxing as my neice wasn't there and everyone was in a chill out mood. My sister and myself see each other alot, but because of my neice and her work, we don't really talk much, it was nice to get her up to speed with what's been happening. When I came home I had a wee cry to myself, just about thoughts of the past, the way I've treated people, what I should have done different and at myself for not moving on with my transition. There always seems an excuse not to go further, my neice, family, my anxiety, but what about my sanity!!!!!!!! Even today I have felt quite emotional, I wonder if it's the hormones, but I haven't had mood swings in a year of being on them, am I geting depressed, well maybe. Over the next few weeks I'm definately going to keep an eye on things so I can discuss with my fabby GP.

This morning it was another electro session, it was pretty much pain free. At one stage M asked if I was sleeping. The chin area is coming on very nicely, and today we did a few on the upper lip. M doesn't think my upper lip is very dense, so it should be completed around the same time as my chin area. To be honest I was nervous about the upper lip as I hadn't put any EMLA on it, as M likes to surprise me, but it wasn't really painful at all. My nerves endings are all programmed the wrong way round, the centre line of the face is suppose to be the worst, and the further out you go the less pain, well I'm the opposite.

Voice Therapy Today

Before I start no scary picture today, you will be glad of!!!!

Anyway back to the plot, I had an appointment with Mrs L voice therapy at 11 today. To be honest I wasn't in the mood for it but hayho off we went. Nothing scary on the trip up to the hospital, always end up too early, you never know if the carparks are going to be full or not. I go in for my appointment and Mrs L says she has a student who is sitting in, and if it's ok. With so many appointments you have to go to, I am pretty much use to this. But here comes the twist, as we where walking to her room, Mrs L says that the student has never met a transgendered person before and would it be ok if she leaves us for 30 minutes just to have a chat. So that she can get an insight into what we go through. Well I'm up for doing some PR, and when I meet her, well she was very nice. I could see that V was nervous, so I started a brief 10 mins of my life story, then we got chatting about day to day things. V then started to ask some really good questions, some about relationships, family, sexuality. I also asked her what she thought of me, and this blew me away, her reply was "I would never have guessed you wheren't female, your voice, gestures, walk everything is really very good", now I don't know if she was being nice, but it made my day. We had a laugh when I let her hear my low voice, i know it broke the illusion but she is training in voice. I told V about electro and the costs, she was amazed that transsexuals don't get this on the NHS as it's so much of being a female, I was surprised she made that response with such passion, when you read in the papers we are classed of ripping off the NHS for a "cosmetic" reason why we have GID. When Mrs L returned, I was kind of disappointed, but we showed V what we had been doing with exercises etc. Then Mrs L pretty much stunned me, as she felt my voice is very good and the next apointment in a month will be my last with her. Although I will have a follow-up in March 2010, it's been a quick 6 months. Personally I feel that my inflections, speed is fine, but I could do with a further lift in pitch, although the low male voice I use to have is almost away now. Both of the women where so lovely to me, full of praise and complements it was a wonderful hour, I do regret not giving V my email address though ......................... eductational purpose, heehee, she was attractive, heehee. It will be interesting to ask Mrs L in a month what V thought of me afterwards, warts and all.

The Bingo Numbers of Blood Pressure

This morning I was at my GP surgery for a blood pressure check, with me like like bingo. It goes up and down more than some peoples knickers, today it started at 162/108, but then with the old fashion machine it was 138/96, so not too bad, but still too high. Especially since I had taken 3 betablockers beforehand to stay calm. The nurse laughs when I say "what number are we going for today?" So I have a month before I see my GP, I have a feeling she might change the blood pressure medication I'm on, or for the first time ever get on at me about weight!!!!! That will be a laugh.

On an acceptance note things are looking up again, I really didn't feel any stares at the surgery waiting room, and a few people sat next to me and there where the trans hatred species young children who always seem to clock you. But no nothing, must have been feeling confident, and I was wearing a knee length skirt which is unusual for me.

A good start to the week I feel!!!!!!

A Blonde Moment...........DUH!!!!!

Well I had a blonde moment on Wednesday, I was meant to go to see the gender specialist at the local hospital, and totally got the wrong time in my head. I had put in Outlook calender and my blackberry it was 4pm, and when I was just about to leave at 2.30pm I thought better take my letter with the appointment. Yes you've guessed it, it was for 2.30, the appointment had been change twice before and each of the changed appointments where for 4pm. It was so annouying as the waiting time for appointments is so long, when I called them I was offered one in Feb2010!!!! But my charm got me one in Dec 9th at 3.30pm, remind me before that one. Or I'm sure a certain Doctor will be very unhappy with me. As I've said before I get very nervous about these appointments, but I so wanted to get it over with.

This week has also been tough with my neice, I have stayed over at my sisters a few nights so I could control my neice during the night. It has taken it's toll on my sleep pattern but I think it's helped my sis and her partner. Although it has been very difficult with my neice during the day, with violent out bursts. It's getting to the stage the family unit just can't continue, I know people will think it's a failure, but you do need to live in a situation to realise that things can't go on. It's similar to my transistion, where I would drink, work silly hours and get depressed just to try and forget things, you get to the stage "I'm doing to do this for my happiness, and to hell with other opinions", I believe my sister has to do this with my neice and somehow get her into residential care. Which will be better for her and my sisters family.

Leaving on a positive note, the pic is from Wednesday, I quite like it. At the moment I'm just starting to see potential in being female. The hormones seem to be doing their jobs at last, and softening the facial features up, long may it continue.

A Wee Update

Not posted anything for a little while, as not alot has been going on really. On saturday I had another electro session with Marny. She did wonders again and cleared the left hand side of my chin, I just hope there isn't any re-growth. This saturday sees the lower lip and re-growth on the right side of the chin. It's a really long process, I'm so glad I had IPL for a year before I started electro. Pain level was almost bearable, and at times I almost fell asleep!!!!

The last few days I haven't really been feeling myself, can't make up my mind if it's a cold or slipping into a depression. Spent all day today in bed, and slept most of it, my therapist said to me let your body do what it wants, but i worry it's depression. The lack of motivation is annouying me, there are things I want to do but just can't get myself going. Also my neice who is mentally disabled isn't behaving herself. My sister and her partner aren't getting much sleep with her being up all night. For a while I was going up to their house each night as my neice seems to do what I want. But you feel your intruding on their space, but it gave me the chance of getting out my flat and being with people I love. The feeling of being useful is very important to me, I just don't like being a pest, and they are trying to cope on their own as well.

The last few days I have been plucking my eyebrows to get them looking tidier for my gender appointment next week. I seem to be making abit of progress, a little each day. Next week sees a flourish of appointments within a short space of time again, I so hope my car is back from the hospital by the end of this week.

Horoscope for the week ending October 10, 2009

I don't often read my horoscope, but today in The Times this was mine. It got me thinking, as in two weeks I see the consultant at the Gender Clinic, I always panic about these appointments. You always feel you are on show and having to prove yourself. I suppose horoscopes are written in a way that most people can connect with them, but.....................

You long ago learnt that often what’s worthwhile requires patience and a canny strategy. This is especially the case now, with a combination of unexpected twists in existing plans and sudden developments causing disarray. While your instincts say things are going in the right direction, you’re still anxious. This is partly because the current Full Moon raises the emotional temperature about certain vulnerable issues you’re usually able to ignore. Discussing these may not be your idea of fun. However, doing so makes you realise that some aren’t that important, and if you were frank about others, certain helpful individuals would be only too happy to give you a hand with them.

Saturday Lunch at the Old Dears

Was out at my parents for lunch with my sister's partner, my neice and youngest nephew. It was great to have a nice sit down lunch. For some reason my nephew who is 10 started on my sister when she came in from work, about the size of her knickers. He just couldn't get why anyone would wear a thong, then went onto ask if she only wears matching bra and knickers???!!! They grow up so fast!!! Well the funniest thing was when he asked my mum if she wore thongs as well? My mum is a very large woman the thought of this sight just when accross everyones mind at once. When he came out with that one, I thought, it's time to get out of here because I am not going into the pros and cons of Marks & Spencers Magic Knickers and the hiding effect they have for smooth lines. To me that would have been abit much for a 10 year old. My sister is starting to think he might be going through her drawers, in more ways than one, heehee.

Mr or Miss

My continuing saga with Orange took a twist in my favour today. I checked my October bill and alas I am still MR Gayle ........, but my wee brain cells got thinking, I wouldn't have a problem calling with my deepish voice about my Blackberry. It worked a treat, I was called Gayle all the time and no mention of a confusing name/title. And I got a new Blackberry for less than the quote to repair my old one, and it's being delivered tomorrow morning. So, a little thumbs up for Orange! I did back this up with an other email of complaint to their customer services about my title though, as really there are no excusess for their slowness in correcting their mistake. We will see what comes of it, I wont hold my breath.

On another note my dad said today he thought I had lost weight, he must have cleaned his glasses, but nice to hear.

Blackberry and Orange, Mr or Miss????????

I got a problem!!!!!!!!! To let everyone know Blackberries are brilliant, but they have one huge drawback. they don't survive an eco wash in my washing machine!!!! :( At the beginning of August I was super efficient came home and just put the clothes I was wearing start into the machine, forgetting my Blackberry was in the pocket of my jeans. It's now been in for repair for 2 months and the shop can't source a new motherboard, which is strange as Orange still sell this model and mine was only a month old. Anyways, about 18 months ago I changed my name with Orange, all was great until I upgraded to the Blackberry. The helpful call centre decided to change my title back to MR, so I am now MR Gayle .........., not really matching is it?????? The person must have assumed they had made an error on my file, DUH. For the past 6 weeks I have been in battle with emails and faxing documents to get this fixed back to MISS Gayle ........., but at the moment I have no idea what I am.

So this morning I thought go into Orange and ask for advice for a friend, HaHa. And the guy said get your friend to call a number and get emergency cover and they will replace the phone in 24 hours. But doing this I have no idea what to call myself and I know my voice on the phone is still abit dodgy, and I don't really want to out myself to someone in a call centre, but I want a Blackberry!!!!????

I think I will sleep on this and decide tomorrow.

Another GP Appointment

Just back from seeing my GP to get blood pressure checked and supplies of all my medications. Going to have to get a trolley when I collect them from the pharmacy, heehee. Blood pressure was ok for me at 135/91, which is probably abit high but over the past year it was been up at 170/144. So anything approaching normal I'm pleased with. It was funny in the waiting room, usually nobody sits next to me, I pick a quiet booth, today everyone who came in sat in my booth. So I think I must be blending in now, oh, and a nice guy held the door for me as well, a real boost to my confidence. The next appointment is with the nurse for blood pressure again in 4 weeks and then another 4 weeks to see my GP. you read and hear so much bad talk about the NHS, but my surgery and staff are just so cool and caring, it's a joy to see all the smiling faces and they treat me with so much respect they are great!!!

For anyone who is interested here is a list of my medications -
Estradiol Valerate 4mg, Cyproterone Acetate 100mg, Simvastatin 20mg, Citalopram 30mg, Amlodipine 10mg and Propranolol Hydrachloride up to 30mg when required

Torture Chamber called a Beauty Salon

This afternoon I had an hour of electroylis, by the wonderful Marny. Most saturdays I wind-up Marny that I walk in looking good and have to leave with a paperbag over my head, and that she must have an evil mind after doing this for 40 years!!! Well, today was pain free !!!!!!!!!!! Yippee, I nearly fell off the couch with that statement. We have been working on my chin area for ages and it is almost there now, she really went for it today as I wasn't feeling it, thus to say my chin looks like it has been punched a few times tonight. Perhaps I'm getting the mix of pain relief correct, at last, EMLA, paracetamol, and a couple of beta-blockers to keep me calm. Over the year I have tried a few things from being slightly merry with Jack Daniels, and different pain killers. It seems if I can stay calm and sleepy I can get away with a hour. My next torture chamber visit is in two weeks, I have had to cut back in October as I have a very big bill for my dying car to get repaired, so only three appointments with Marny, instead of every week. Yes the photo is of my chin, not my best angle, but gives you an idea of what has been achieved in 12 IPL and about 26 hours of electrolyis, I hadn't shaved for 5 days.

Girl In 14G

I love this clip, it goes to show never take for granted what you see or hear.

Speach Therapy

This morning I had an appointment with Moira for speach therapy at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary. It was fun, she is very clever getting you talk away so you get relaxed and see where your voice is. She felt my voice is improving in female inflections and the pitch is up to a more ambiguous level. I was really pleased with this. We do some vocal exercises first and then focus on long passages to improve the voice. She also thought I was looking much more confident within myself, that was a great confidence booster. Although I think the two beta-blockers I took before hand really help to lower my aniexty. Very time Moira comments about how long my hair is, to me it looks like a blown out crows nest. I try my best to straighten it but it has a mind of it's own. My next appointment is the end of October, so I have my homework, to read aloud, and also get my sister to help me on that one.

It was funny coming home today, my next door neighbour entered the flats as I parked the car. When I got into the stairs her door was still open. My trying to be all dainty, made me miss a step and fall, and hurt my hand cushioning my overweight body frame. It's a good job I only type with two fingers.

One Year On HRT

Today is one complete year on HRT, yippee!!! It's been a great year on the whole, as the year went on I started to become relaxed, or perhaps just me. Suppose I just started to click, heehee, all the conflict started to go. The physical side has been quite amazing, I'm not going to go into detail, I will just say one part shrunk very quickly and two other parts are quite pert. My strength has certainly gone, I use to be called to help move items in the family, well I just can't do that anymore. Over the summer I helped move an old TV (not the kind of TV, a television) from my sisters, well I was exhausted and really struggled. It's nice being a woman, no more dirty jobs for me!!! The introduction of Spiro at easter has really helped with hair growth on my head, and has soften body hair, I now go the hairdressers every 8 weeks. Scary to think two years ago I use to shave my head, so I didn't get too hot when I wearing a wig, haven't worn a wig for over a year now. Facial hair removal, well it still goes on, I've had 12 sessions of Intense Pulse Light and about 25 hours of electrolysis, all am saying is both hurt real bad, but the results are good. IPL has certainly got rid of about 60% of the growth, and now my chin and lower lip is almost clear with electrolysis, I think doing the IPL first certainly will cut down the time spent, and is a cheaper way to do it in the long run.

So a good year all round I think, still a good few years to go, but I'm happy and doing things at my pace.

Friends Online

I've only started this blog three days ago, and I have made a friend already!!!!!!! It really gets to me how nice people are, you read and hear so much negativity about how people are, it's so uplifting. I set-up a facebook account a few months ago to keep in touch with my eldest nephew, and thought tonight, I've not been in there for a while, and saw a friend who has made friends with him. Thought to myself, I will message her, and wow a reply already.

I can see this all getting addictive, but in a good way. When I started transistioning I lost alot of friends, it was my decision. My thought process was, start again as Gayle, and I was drinking too much going out clubbing as well. There were other things as well, I was going to mainly gay clubs/pubs and, well, I didn't feel I fitted in. I was going as a male, who is only interested in women, now I'm a transsexual and still only interested in women, but all the attention you get in either situation is attention from guys!!!!!!!DUH!!! Over the next few weeks I'm going to start going to an off scene gay bar and see what comes, if anything it will boost my confidence in just getting out and about. It also has WI-FI so a nice glass of vino and surfing could be fun as well. Yes, I will keep you up to date with what happens.

ITV - This Morning

As I'm a late riser in the mornings, the joy of morning television is my entertainment. In the newspapers this weekend have been articles about two boys ages 9 & 12 returning to school as girls. The press on the whole have been pretty negative about it all. But the "This Morning" show is usually caring in the dealing with transgender issues, but they failed today. The main problem was their transgendered guest Lauren Harris, who was totally concerned in her own agenda, and really couldn't answer any questions in a mature, constructive way. She pulled the Doctor up for saying "I work with trans people", which to me covers all spectrums of transgender people, her recommendation was we are "trans women, not people". At the end she was promoting her own stage show, and the interview was cut short. I felt very sorry for the two presenters and the doctor, as no quality information was given to the viewing public, and it only succeeded in making transgendered people look silly and eccentric. When Lauren was male she was the painful and annouying 10 year old antiques expert called James Harris, all I can say is she certainly hasn't matured or mastered how to convey herself on television.



That's the end of my little rant, sorry, it just really annouyed me all day.

Other things today, it looks like my car is over-heating again!!!! So, a trip to the garage is happening tomorrow morning. The car is so important to me, and I have 3 appointments in the week I need it for. On the plus side I get to visit my parents tomorrow, the garage is close to their house, so hopefully a nice lunch. Tonight I was in the local shop, it's owned by a family and I hadn't seen the mother of the family for ages, and she made my heart skip, she said "You've lost a lot of weight!" I could have kissed her.

Gayle

A little bit about me

Well, where do we start?
Birth - Yes I was born. And I was a little boy! Nobody knew I was meant to be a girl.
Over the past 2 years I have come to accept that I am transsexual. Last September I started hormone therapy, and well, so far i am very happy with the results. What you see in my picture is all real and what you get. At the moment I don't go out much as I still feel I don't pass very well, but it's getting easier. It seems I have quite bad anxiety problems, which are being dealt with. Transistion certainly doesn't fix all lives problems, but it sure does help. If you start to feel comfortable in your skin and mind, well you gain the strength to tackle the rest of your problems.

Over the past 2 years I dread to think the amount of therapy, GP, hospital, IPL, electroyisis and speach therapy appointments I have been to. It has been quite amazing, I never had to use Outlook Calender, now I have reminders popping up every few days it seems. My GP has been so very surportive, she is really my rock in this journey, even though I failed quitting smoking. As my sister's partner said "Hey, you deserve to smoke with what your going through!"

My family are all very surportive of me and help me when I ask, although I do hate asking for help. I really must more often.

I will add more when things come to me.

The start of blogging

Hi !!!

I'm starting the venture of blogging, don't really know what to say just now. Will add some stuff about myself when I learn how to use the blog.

Gayle