Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was my 41st birthday  !!!!!!!! It was a quiet celebration, I don't like birthdays, but I did enjoy last night. I went to see my parents, who where at my sisters. My mum and dad got me a nice cheeky card, and a blood pressure monitor, yes I know strange gift, but I wanted one. Once they went away my sister asked if I wanted to stay for a chinese meal, which I was up for, too many times I celebrate these things on my own. I had to fight back the tears as her card to me was addressed to Gayle and a lovely blouse, it was so nice after seeing cards from relations addressed to my old self. The outer circle of my family are so kind, but I don't think they quite get my transition, which to be honest is partly my own fault as well. Over our meal we had a great chat, it was so relaxed and open, and once again I felt abit emotional about somethings, I need to do some research on. Also I think it was relaxing as my neice wasn't there and everyone was in a chill out mood. My sister and myself see each other alot, but because of my neice and her work, we don't really talk much, it was nice to get her up to speed with what's been happening. When I came home I had a wee cry to myself, just about thoughts of the past, the way I've treated people, what I should have done different and at myself for not moving on with my transition. There always seems an excuse not to go further, my neice, family, my anxiety, but what about my sanity!!!!!!!! Even today I have felt quite emotional, I wonder if it's the hormones, but I haven't had mood swings in a year of being on them, am I geting depressed, well maybe. Over the next few weeks I'm definately going to keep an eye on things so I can discuss with my fabby GP.

This morning it was another electro session, it was pretty much pain free. At one stage M asked if I was sleeping. The chin area is coming on very nicely, and today we did a few on the upper lip. M doesn't think my upper lip is very dense, so it should be completed around the same time as my chin area. To be honest I was nervous about the upper lip as I hadn't put any EMLA on it, as M likes to surprise me, but it wasn't really painful at all. My nerves endings are all programmed the wrong way round, the centre line of the face is suppose to be the worst, and the further out you go the less pain, well I'm the opposite.

Voice Therapy Today

Before I start no scary picture today, you will be glad of!!!!

Anyway back to the plot, I had an appointment with Mrs L voice therapy at 11 today. To be honest I wasn't in the mood for it but hayho off we went. Nothing scary on the trip up to the hospital, always end up too early, you never know if the carparks are going to be full or not. I go in for my appointment and Mrs L says she has a student who is sitting in, and if it's ok. With so many appointments you have to go to, I am pretty much use to this. But here comes the twist, as we where walking to her room, Mrs L says that the student has never met a transgendered person before and would it be ok if she leaves us for 30 minutes just to have a chat. So that she can get an insight into what we go through. Well I'm up for doing some PR, and when I meet her, well she was very nice. I could see that V was nervous, so I started a brief 10 mins of my life story, then we got chatting about day to day things. V then started to ask some really good questions, some about relationships, family, sexuality. I also asked her what she thought of me, and this blew me away, her reply was "I would never have guessed you wheren't female, your voice, gestures, walk everything is really very good", now I don't know if she was being nice, but it made my day. We had a laugh when I let her hear my low voice, i know it broke the illusion but she is training in voice. I told V about electro and the costs, she was amazed that transsexuals don't get this on the NHS as it's so much of being a female, I was surprised she made that response with such passion, when you read in the papers we are classed of ripping off the NHS for a "cosmetic" reason why we have GID. When Mrs L returned, I was kind of disappointed, but we showed V what we had been doing with exercises etc. Then Mrs L pretty much stunned me, as she felt my voice is very good and the next apointment in a month will be my last with her. Although I will have a follow-up in March 2010, it's been a quick 6 months. Personally I feel that my inflections, speed is fine, but I could do with a further lift in pitch, although the low male voice I use to have is almost away now. Both of the women where so lovely to me, full of praise and complements it was a wonderful hour, I do regret not giving V my email address though ......................... eductational purpose, heehee, she was attractive, heehee. It will be interesting to ask Mrs L in a month what V thought of me afterwards, warts and all.

The Bingo Numbers of Blood Pressure

This morning I was at my GP surgery for a blood pressure check, with me like like bingo. It goes up and down more than some peoples knickers, today it started at 162/108, but then with the old fashion machine it was 138/96, so not too bad, but still too high. Especially since I had taken 3 betablockers beforehand to stay calm. The nurse laughs when I say "what number are we going for today?" So I have a month before I see my GP, I have a feeling she might change the blood pressure medication I'm on, or for the first time ever get on at me about weight!!!!! That will be a laugh.

On an acceptance note things are looking up again, I really didn't feel any stares at the surgery waiting room, and a few people sat next to me and there where the trans hatred species young children who always seem to clock you. But no nothing, must have been feeling confident, and I was wearing a knee length skirt which is unusual for me.

A good start to the week I feel!!!!!!

A Blonde Moment...........DUH!!!!!

Well I had a blonde moment on Wednesday, I was meant to go to see the gender specialist at the local hospital, and totally got the wrong time in my head. I had put in Outlook calender and my blackberry it was 4pm, and when I was just about to leave at 2.30pm I thought better take my letter with the appointment. Yes you've guessed it, it was for 2.30, the appointment had been change twice before and each of the changed appointments where for 4pm. It was so annouying as the waiting time for appointments is so long, when I called them I was offered one in Feb2010!!!! But my charm got me one in Dec 9th at 3.30pm, remind me before that one. Or I'm sure a certain Doctor will be very unhappy with me. As I've said before I get very nervous about these appointments, but I so wanted to get it over with.

This week has also been tough with my neice, I have stayed over at my sisters a few nights so I could control my neice during the night. It has taken it's toll on my sleep pattern but I think it's helped my sis and her partner. Although it has been very difficult with my neice during the day, with violent out bursts. It's getting to the stage the family unit just can't continue, I know people will think it's a failure, but you do need to live in a situation to realise that things can't go on. It's similar to my transistion, where I would drink, work silly hours and get depressed just to try and forget things, you get to the stage "I'm doing to do this for my happiness, and to hell with other opinions", I believe my sister has to do this with my neice and somehow get her into residential care. Which will be better for her and my sisters family.

Leaving on a positive note, the pic is from Wednesday, I quite like it. At the moment I'm just starting to see potential in being female. The hormones seem to be doing their jobs at last, and softening the facial features up, long may it continue.

A Wee Update

Not posted anything for a little while, as not alot has been going on really. On saturday I had another electro session with Marny. She did wonders again and cleared the left hand side of my chin, I just hope there isn't any re-growth. This saturday sees the lower lip and re-growth on the right side of the chin. It's a really long process, I'm so glad I had IPL for a year before I started electro. Pain level was almost bearable, and at times I almost fell asleep!!!!

The last few days I haven't really been feeling myself, can't make up my mind if it's a cold or slipping into a depression. Spent all day today in bed, and slept most of it, my therapist said to me let your body do what it wants, but i worry it's depression. The lack of motivation is annouying me, there are things I want to do but just can't get myself going. Also my neice who is mentally disabled isn't behaving herself. My sister and her partner aren't getting much sleep with her being up all night. For a while I was going up to their house each night as my neice seems to do what I want. But you feel your intruding on their space, but it gave me the chance of getting out my flat and being with people I love. The feeling of being useful is very important to me, I just don't like being a pest, and they are trying to cope on their own as well.

The last few days I have been plucking my eyebrows to get them looking tidier for my gender appointment next week. I seem to be making abit of progress, a little each day. Next week sees a flourish of appointments within a short space of time again, I so hope my car is back from the hospital by the end of this week.

Horoscope for the week ending October 10, 2009

I don't often read my horoscope, but today in The Times this was mine. It got me thinking, as in two weeks I see the consultant at the Gender Clinic, I always panic about these appointments. You always feel you are on show and having to prove yourself. I suppose horoscopes are written in a way that most people can connect with them, but.....................

You long ago learnt that often what’s worthwhile requires patience and a canny strategy. This is especially the case now, with a combination of unexpected twists in existing plans and sudden developments causing disarray. While your instincts say things are going in the right direction, you’re still anxious. This is partly because the current Full Moon raises the emotional temperature about certain vulnerable issues you’re usually able to ignore. Discussing these may not be your idea of fun. However, doing so makes you realise that some aren’t that important, and if you were frank about others, certain helpful individuals would be only too happy to give you a hand with them.

Saturday Lunch at the Old Dears

Was out at my parents for lunch with my sister's partner, my neice and youngest nephew. It was great to have a nice sit down lunch. For some reason my nephew who is 10 started on my sister when she came in from work, about the size of her knickers. He just couldn't get why anyone would wear a thong, then went onto ask if she only wears matching bra and knickers???!!! They grow up so fast!!! Well the funniest thing was when he asked my mum if she wore thongs as well? My mum is a very large woman the thought of this sight just when accross everyones mind at once. When he came out with that one, I thought, it's time to get out of here because I am not going into the pros and cons of Marks & Spencers Magic Knickers and the hiding effect they have for smooth lines. To me that would have been abit much for a 10 year old. My sister is starting to think he might be going through her drawers, in more ways than one, heehee.

Mr or Miss

My continuing saga with Orange took a twist in my favour today. I checked my October bill and alas I am still MR Gayle ........, but my wee brain cells got thinking, I wouldn't have a problem calling with my deepish voice about my Blackberry. It worked a treat, I was called Gayle all the time and no mention of a confusing name/title. And I got a new Blackberry for less than the quote to repair my old one, and it's being delivered tomorrow morning. So, a little thumbs up for Orange! I did back this up with an other email of complaint to their customer services about my title though, as really there are no excusess for their slowness in correcting their mistake. We will see what comes of it, I wont hold my breath.

On another note my dad said today he thought I had lost weight, he must have cleaned his glasses, but nice to hear.